August 18, 2017

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On August 13, 2017 it was gone. Yep. That lone toe hair. I dunno when it fell off. Until next time? LOL In the meantime, my body temperature returned to normal it seems. Appetite too. And my recent juicing endeavor made me feel lighter. But I am not so sure if some parts of my body are fully satisfied with juice. I’m gonna try drinking more water instead. With lemon or lime. Quest to fitness continues.

On August 15, 2017 was a pretty neat day. I got gendered correctly when buying dinner. The only time I was really uncomfortable was someone stared really badly in my general direction (possibly me or whoever was with me, or all of us) in public. It was just…. really… really bad.

On August 17, 2017 I was getting excited for the next day. I was looking forward to my next testosterone (T) shot. Who would’ve thought I’d be looking forward to stabbing myself this much?

It has also been long enough for me to realize that something else has changed. In terms of body odor, I can’t say I’ve noticed a difference. However, whatever comes out of my body (in terms of toilet business) sure smells at least ten times worse than it did before. Like ever. In my whole life. Not a very fun topic to discuss, but I feel like I have to put this on record.

Another notable thing, which I am not entirely sure about, is that my chest seems more or less… emptier. Perhaps the fat started to shift already. After all it has already been 7 months on T.

On August 18, 2017 I took my T shot. It was like the first thing I did when I got home. I didn’t even have dinner until I did it. Now to wait and see if I will experience the same effects I did last time (heatwave and appetite loss). Which was rather weird. It lasted quite a while and wasn’t all that pleasant. Either way, for now I am good. Period is nowhere to be seen. At all. Zeeeero.

I am looking ahead and I feel optimistic about my future.

Onwards.

#JourneyToMyself

August 11, 2017

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On August 5, 2017 I noticed a long black hair… on my toe! One lone hair. At first I thought it was some hair that fell on my toe, but when I pulled it… it was not coming off. I guess I’ll have hairy toes eventually too? It’s kind of funny and fascinating, in a way. Being so excited about a hair on my toe, I mean. Even if I am perfectly fine with having hairless feet, and would prefer it that way. But it’s still exciting, and I don’t actually mind it.

On August 9, 2017 my appetite seemed to be getting back. I was also not feeling as hot as before. I only wonder if this weird heatwave will repeat itself after my next shot. I guess I’ll wait and see.

I also realized how odd and awkward I often act around new people when there’s someone else with me who thinks I’m a girl. It’s like I am trying to avoid the pretty much inevitable exposure. It will only get trickier with time, I suppose. I just really can’t wait for the day where I will be in an environment where I won’t have to deal with such awkwardness and everyone will know me and accept me (and won’t trip on pronouns) as a guy.

On August 11, 2017 I was just contemplating on how I shouldn’t be afraid to make the next big steps in my life. I always have to consider certain factors, if I wish to switch jobs. And especially if I were to move to another country. Being transgender and on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) definitely makes life trickier. I have to anticipate certain things and what-not. Either way, there are things in my life I want and need to change to get to the next level. I need to be confident and trust in myself, and plan my next steps.

Because I can do better. I deserve better. I am better.

#JourneyToMyself

August 4, 2017

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On July 29, 2017 I went out and did not get misgendered at all. I also went to the men’s bathroom and nobody blinked, or even looked at me. I was still a bit nervous, but that’s more in my head than an actual thing. I did get a weird stare from someone at the bus stop, but that seems to happen almost all the time with certain people.

On August 2, 2017 I was not recognized over the phone. Someone called and wished to speak to me, and when I answered they didn’t know it was me until I reassured it was me. I’ve also been wondering if my voice will change any more than it already has. It’s been very steady lately.

On August 3, 2017 I was told that I looked more and more like a dude. It was an attempt to compliment me. I appreciate the intentions, but my response was, to put it simply – “DUH!”. This is intended. This is what happens when you’re transgender and have been on testosterone (T) for over six months. No hard feelings though.

On August 4, 2017 I was told (again) that I move differently. Walk differently. I once again stated that I didn’t realize I was moving or walking in any other way than I always have. Now this is because I feel more confident or/and because I also appear more masculine physically that people may see a different kind of image of me including movements.

I’ve also been feeling hot every night for two weeks now. It seems to have gotten a little better. My appetite has been really low though and is not too great. I still eat, but I’m mostly not very thrilled about most food. This is either related to the T (the heat most likely is related to that) or/and related to the stress I’ve been experiencing.

There are things I am not happy with right now. It’s not transition related, although I wish I could get my top surgery done asap. But that’s not as annoying or excruciating as something else in my life. I am trying to survive this and stay positive. And most importantly, I am working on changing this.

As painful as it may be, I am moving forward slowly. No rush. Making calculated decisions and doing what is necessary to have a better future. After all, getting out of places and situations that make me feel miserable, is what made me go further than I ever thought I could go.

#JourneyToMyself

July 28, 2017

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On July 22, 2017 I wore my suit jacket for the first time. It looked great. But I was in public with a lot of people who knew me way before I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I felt like avoiding some of them, because my voice could be a shock to them. It’s just really weird and awkward. Social anxiety is for real, I guess.

On July 24, 2017 I couldn’t sleep well. I was getting weird heat waves. Last month something similar happened, which causes me to think it might be related to the testosterone (T). I will definitely bring this up to the doctor on my next visit and see what they have to say about this. Maybe some changes are necessary.

On July 26, 2017 I got called ‘bro’ when I was buying food. While it was nice, I still couldn’t shake this weird feeling of being ‘found out’, or being misgendered again suddenly. I am definitely not used to this yet.

On July 28, 2017 I was still experiencing heat waves at night.┬áIt’s gotten a bit better, but still makes it difficult to fall asleep. I have also not been very hungry this week. I don’t have an appetite for most things, but I still eat enough. It’s just a bit unusual, because after my T shot I tend to turn into a food destroying machine. This time it’s different.

Overall, I’m fine. Maybe just feeling rattled a little emotionally, but that’s not related to my transition itself. I feel more confident in terms of the changes I’ve been experiencing, and I’ve been feeling more comfortable in my own body lately.

Moving forward.

#JourneyToMyself

July 21, 2017

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On July 16, 2017 I offered a big surprise to a friend. I met them after a long while, and they were really stunned on how much my voice had changed. I really enjoyed my day and had a wonderful time. It was a good reminder on why I have to push forward and just keep doing my thing.

On July 17, 2017 I experienced a feeling I never have before. Or, in a way, maybe I did? But this was still different. It was severe. Unsettling. I was reviewing my personal and official information, which included my birth name as well as my sex, marked as gender – female. An awful feeling came over me. And that’s when I realized that this is just the beginning. Until I get this changed, it will bug me. I mean, the more I change due to testosterone (T), the more certain things bug me.

These things weren’t such a huge problem before, even if it was still annoying. But as the image in my mirror changes, a name and gender marker that do not match become a more pressing matter. And that’s all the social issues and awkwardness aside. The feeling that this gives. As if, I’ve been working hard to just be myself, but there’s this wall there blocking you. However, I remain optimistic. One day it will be different.

On July 21, 2017 it was time for my next T shot. Which I almost forgot about! I remembered late at night. I’ve been quite busy as well as excited about getting a pet. I haven’t had a pet in almost four years! This distracted me from the fact that I am transgender, I suppose (lol).

Other than that, someone used the right pronouns when referring to me, but then ‘corrected’ themselves. I did not say anything, but damn… they weren’t wrong the first time! I am a bit annoyed with myself, since I could’ve said something. But that brought me to another realization.

I started thinking about how the changing appearance may pressure other people to use the right pronouns, eventually. I mean those who are aware of my transition, but may still use female pronouns. Some of them still do that just because of the environment we’re in, which is why I don’t mind it as much. However, this will have to change.

It’s inevitable.

#JourneyToMyself

July 14, 2017

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On July 8, 2017 I got misgendered at the cinema. Must be the stupid curve under my chest. I should probably get myself a different kind of binder by now, and avoid certain clothes. Losing weight would help too. It just sucks.

On July 9, 2017 my voice sounded a little lower again. Also by now I was pretty sure there’s a mini period happening, but it did not require any extra precautions at least. Nevertheless, it’s been annoying.

On July 11, 2017 I woke up with a sore throat. I am not sure why, but most likely because of my voice changing still. I didn’t really feel like I had a cold. It was gone later.

On July 12, 2017 I started wondering if I’ve been eating too much. I was trying on some clothes that I haven’t worn for a long time. And I can’t tell if I got fatter, or what is happening. Most clothes still seem to fit as usual, but some don’t fit anymore. Since I am not thin to begin with, it’s hard to say whether I did get fatter, or maybe the fat is gathering on my belly, which is resulting in it getting bigger.

On July 14, 2017 it was safe to say that the period was finally gone. It’s really difficult to even write about it. I mean, talking about it is just… I don’t know. Somehow shameful. When I first got it, I was traumatized. Even if I was taught that it’s normal and other bullshit like that. I accepted my fate eventually, but now that it’s been gone, and then suddenly appeared again, it’s unsettling. Maybe it’s just been giving its last kicks. I feel so much better when it’s gone.

#JourneyToMyself

July 7, 2017

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On July 1, 2017 I had a few pimples appear. There were quite a few on the body too. While I do have the pimples on my face under control, they are not completely gone. They still show up from time to time. I did buy an extra product from the same line to wash my face with and see if it will increase the effect. Pimples on my body are not a new thing, but there are more popping up now. However, it’s not too bad.

On July 3, 2017 I listened to an old voice recording I made. It was back in September, 2016. About four months before I started testosterone (T). That’s when I realized how much my voice has actually changed! It’s incredible! It’s almost like it’s a completely different person.

I let some people listen to it, and they were blown away. I am glad I have that recording, because I was still feeling insecure about my voice sometimes, thinking that maybe I still sound too feminine at times. But nope. That’s just in my head. And it’s also a proof that people, and even I myself, did not realize that my voice changed to such extent.

On July 7, 2017 the Red Lady came to visit me. Can I even use this term? Or maybe… Manriod? (LOL) I really prefer that over period. Actually, I am not even sure if it’s that. It’s been two weeks since my last T shot. I would still get some very very slight rosy stuff appear sometimes, but this time it’s a little bit more, and more red. But it’s not severe at all. My underwear doesn’t need protection. Hopefully, it will stay that way.

My next doctor’s appointment is only in October, but I am not really worried. I plan to watch my body until then and see if this will happen again. If so, I might need to change the frequency of my T injections, or something. Either way, I will let my doctor know next time I see them. They might have a better idea and knowledge of why this happened.

#JourneyToMyself