December 8, 2017

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On December 2, 2017 I woke up with a lower voice. Yet again! But it never stays at that point. It still goes back up to a higher tone. I could feel the vibration down my throat. It’s truly amazing. I guess I need to be patient. It will eventually go down even more. Permanently.

On December 4, 2017 I had some more of the good old misgendering. I did not say anything, but I felt awful. I felt ashamed. It’s really really really annoying. It pisses me off. I have less and less tolerance for it. I almost feel like screaming. What part of me seems so female to people that they keep misgendering me? Ffs.

On December 8, 2017 it was time for my monthly testosterone (T) shot. I had to check my notes to remember which thigh was up this time. It was the right one. There was a bit more blood than usual and more pain, but it’s alright.

It is almost 11 months since I’ve started T. A year is closing in. Time has flown by. I do feel more confident and more sure of myself than a year ago. I guess I shouldn’t force it and shouldn’t worry so much about not being… enough. Confident enough. Manly enough. Whatever.

It is all coming to me with time. My true self is revealing himself. With time.

#JourneyToMyself

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December 1, 2017

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On November 26, 2017 I inspected my facial hair. While still just fluff, there is some significant hair growing on my face, on my chin and above my lips – mustache. The lone toe hair from a while ago has returned too!

On December 1, 2017 I went out for some shopping. And despite my new binder and strategically worn loose clothes that do not emphasize my fatrolls and such, I was misgendered. I still don’t get why. There is nothing feminine about me. Why do people still do that, is just beyond me.

I wish I could have my top surgery already, but that will probably take years. Unless I find a way to earn more and save the money I need for it. But I wonder if I would still get misgendered, even after having the surgery. That would be… interesting.

#JourneyToMyself

November 24, 2017

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On November 18, 2017 I’ve noticed some acne. On my back. It’s been feeling a bit itchy lately too. In fact, there’s some acne on my chest too. A few appear here and there on the rest of my body too, but my face has been nice and clear. Of pimples at least. I do notice plenty of blackheads and whiteheads.

On November 22, 2017 I finally got my gc2b binder! The shipping took a while again. Due to the U.S. post office being slow and some other annoying issues with the local post office. Either way… I finally got it. It was difficult to put it in at first. I was even worried that maybe it’s too small now. But I managed it to put it on and it was the right size.

On November 23, 2017 I wore my gc2b binder to work for the first time. It felt a bit tight, but worked really well. It also took me a while to adjust my chest after putting it on in the morning. The binder definitely feels different than my old one. I guess it will take a some to get used it, but I am satisfied with the binding effect. Overall, I am pleased with the binder and the amazing customer service provided by gc2b. Now that I know what size truly fits me, I am going to order again in the future.

On November 24, 2017 I contemplated on my voice. It felt and sounded a bit different again. It’s possibly changing still. It’s sure strange, to think that after 9 months on testosterone (T), it hasn’t stopped changing yet. It just won’t stop to amaze me, even if I am aware of this being a genuine possibility.

Either way, it’s exciting to know my voice is still changing. I like it.

#JourneyToMyself

 

November 17, 2017

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On November 15, 2017 I was called all the right things. Such as Sir. Gotta love it when that happens. I was buying food at the time. However, I still feel nervous sometimes. As if people will suddenly figure it out and address me wrongly.

On November 16, 2017 I took a good look at my face. I definitely have quite a bit of facial hair growing. It’s still nothing anywhere near to a proper beard, but it’s there. I was contemplating a lot on shaving it, but after a series of misgenderments in public, I got quite annoyed and decided I should leave the hair on my face as it is.

On November 17, 2017 I was sharing my concerns about bathrooms with someone. They encouraged me to just use whatever bathroom I want at work. But I still worry about the awkwardness and what-not I will have to face. Maybe I should commit to that New Year’s resolution I was thinking about, because I am just going to hesitate with this for far too long.

It’s been a tough week. I haven’t been feeling right for quite a while now. I hope that I will finally achieve the goal I am trying to achieve right now, so I can move onto bigger and better things. And progress into the next stage of my transition.

#JourneyToMyself

November 10, 2017

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On November 5, 2017 I started wondering if I should begin correcting people on the pronouns. Not saying anything saves me from extra trouble and awkwardness, I suppose. But yeah… I was misgendered again. The worst part – they got it right and then they corrected themselves. And I don’t get why. This same question keeps killing me. I guess I will only know the answer when I change something about myself and then see if the misgendering stops.

I would’ve said that keeping quiet is to avoid discomfort. To save me from discomfort. But that’s not right. Correcting people is awkward, at most. Discomfort follows every time I get misgendered. Especially when someone loudly greets you in public with ‘sister’. And I just can’t get over it. It’s difficult to assert myself still. Fear is also always following. I guess I still don’t feel like a rightful member of… my kind? If that makes any sense.

I find physical transition a breeze compared to social transition. It’s just so much more difficult than any needles, procedures, or even surgeries. I can’t say much about surgeries yet though, but I am pretty sure that will be easier. Most likely, it will also ease the social awkwardness and discomfort in the future.

On November 8, 2017 I sent back my gc2b binder for exchange. They have already shipped the binder I need just as they promised. I swear, awesome customer service and they’re super nice and kind! However, it is the mail services I don’t trust. They are going to take forever again, probably. But it is worth the wait! The smaller size binder should fit me this time, hopefully.

If all is good with the sizing, I am definitely ordering from gc2b again in the near future. Having more than one binder is very helpful when you need to wash it, or in case anything else happens. And if you have a change, the life of the binder is also longer.

On November 9, 2017 my voice sounded a little different. Yet again. And it’s the end of the month, a day before my next testosterone (T) shot. That’s when T levels are supposed to be the lowest. It is also almost 10 months on T! But my voice is still changing. It’s not a huge difference, but I can hear it. When is it going to stop? Nobody knows!

On November 10, 2017 it was time for my monthly T shot. And it hurt a bit. I injected into my left thigh and for some reason (like 99% of the time) it is always a bit painful when I do it in my left thigh. But it’s nothing too bad. Funny part is, I am always excited to get my T shot. And when it was time, I almost forgot about it.

Overall, I’m feeling great when it comes to my physical transition and T injections. There are other things I still want and need to change, but can’t yet. I just need to keep working towards those goals.

Eventually, I’ll be there.

#JourneyToMyself

November 3, 2017

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On October 31, 2017 I finally got my binder! I was so happy and excited, however, it’s… too big. After all that measurement and even with recommendation from gc2b, it’s too big. I got really upset, because exchanging it will take forever! Around two months. Due to how slow the shipping is. I contacted them regarding the exchange.

On November 1, 2017 I was out and about getting something done. And I got misgendered twice… I still can’t pinpoint why. I don’t think I look feminine at all. And it really bothers me.

On November 2, 2017 I got a reply from gc2b tell they will ship my exchange as soon as they can! Without waiting for me to send the binder back. I felt so touched. It’s amazingly sweet. I didn’t expect it at all! They are really awesome! And not only that! They will ship it with priority mail so it doesn’t take as long as it did to arrive.

Other than the mishap with the size, the binder is really good. And, once again, the customer service is just amazing. They are really kind. I definitely recommend buying from them! Just keep in mind that outside the U.S. it might take a whiiiiile. It’s worth it though!

On November 3, 2017 I had some fun with being misgendered again. Well, in their defense, they have seen me around since years ago, so they assume I’m female. Luckily, the other pieces of the chain went with Sir. It was just a bad note to end it with.

The longer I am on testosterone, the worse I feel about being misgendered. It’s like… COME ON! Just how do I even look anywhere close to a woman??? It’s really frustrating.

#JourneyToMyself

October 27, 2017

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On October 21, 2017 I was misgendered. By someone who knows I’m transgender. I didn’t say anything, even if it felt crappy. I guess it’s my own fault for not pointing it out, so it could be different in the future. But at the same time, it’s kind of easier to just let it die? Either way, the person doesn’t treat me like a girl, so at least that’s okay. But even writing about this here feels off. Maybe this problem is rooted deeper in me than I thought.

On October 22, 2017 I’ve noticed some acne. On my shoulder. While my face has not been ravaged by acne, now it seems to want to attack the rest of my body. And I also started wondering if I should shave. Just start shaving my face. Buy some started shaving kit and do it. There isn’t much to shave, but perhaps that would be better? I have some random lone long hair growing on my face and it looks a bit weird.

On October 25, 2017 more acne appeared. On my back and right shoulder. And my arm too! Even a few on my face, mostly nose. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination, but my skin feels more oily than usual. I have no idea why there’s suddenly an acne attack on my body though. I normally shower twice a day. Maybe it’s also partly related to hair growth. Like, ingrown hair causing acne and stuff like that. I hope I won’t start getting a lot of those.

On October 27, 2017 the acne story continued. By now I was convinced that my skin is more oily than usual indeed. I’ve been sweating a bit more this week too, I suppose. I had to move a bit more at work, but yeah… My skin is an oil factory. It has always been. It feels nasty and it’s annoying. Maybe I should apply my tea tree oil products even more often to combat this issue. At least, the acne isn’t that bad. My face is still mostly clear. But I do get whiteheads and blackheads. The eternal battle…

It’s also been a month since I ordered my new binder. I am still waiting for it. According to the tracking thingy, it’s in the country. But I cannot see a local tracking number, so I don’t know where it is. I hope it is traveling to my mailbox. I’ve been checking my mailbox daily, sometimes even twice a day! I also hope that this binder is truly worth the wait.

#JourneyToMyself