June 23, 2017

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On June 17, 2017 I had a weird encounter with a random person at the grocery store. It was someone I never met before. They approached me and wanted to become friends. Now, I don’t mind that. However, very soon it turned from friendly to creepy. I was nice and all, and I am not sure what gender they thought I was at this point. However, as I walked away smiling, I was very sure I won’t be meeting them again. Unless we bump into each other by accident.

On June 19, 2017 I felt pretty… savage. That’s right. Savage. It was a mix of various feelings. Not even sure how to explain it. Just… animalistic. And then I was thinking of my grocery store encounter, and contemplated on one of the many reasons I disliked it. While I do want to be desired by someone, the type of desire matters a lot. To put it simply, I realized that I just always hated the idea of being the prey. I could probably write a whole essay on my epiphany regarding this subject. But yeah, the longer I am on testosterone (T), the more myself I feel, and the more I realize my true nature. The nature that I tried to suppress. The nature I thought I had no right for.

Then there is my struggle with weight, which I had to remember when I started checking out some old clothes in my wardrobe. I almost couldn’t believe I could wear some of those clothes before. I gained weight again. For some reason I just can’t seem to be able to stick to any workout routine. It just doesn’t work for me. I get lazy and give up eventually. Gyms give me anxiety with all those people staring. Yes, they do stare. Anyway, this has nothing to do with T. I have been picking up my dumbbells again. A good start, I suppose.

On June 21, 2017 I noticed hair growing on the front of my neck! That’s a bit unexpected. I literally burst into laughter as I saw two long dark hairs on my neck. Before I started T, I knew I’d be hairy, since I was already pretty hairy without T. But this is something else. Either way, it’s cool.

Acne-wise, my face is pretty clear. Honestly, it hasn’t changed much. It’s pretty much the same as it was without T. Same amount of oiliness and occasional pimples here and there. Nothing big. My tea tree oil stuff is helping with this. I’d probably be all pimply otherwise.

On June 23, 2017 it was time for my T shot. Another month flew by. My voice keeps dropping. Hair keeps growing. Veins are starting to pop out. Libido is on another level. Period is on a vacation until further notice. Acne and hunger are mostly under control. Beard is slowly, but steadily coming out to play too. Now just to consider how to save up or earn extra money for top surgery.

#JourneyToMyself

June 16, 2017

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On May 10, 2017 I attended a Pride Day event. It was awesome! There were many beautiful people and plenty of delicious food. There was a discussion and a movie screening. We watched a movie called Pride (2014). It was very inspiring and moving. I would recommend to watch it.

Something else that has been happening is not so fun. I’ve been feeling hot lately, even with AC on. Almost every night. And have been noticing some very very veeeery minor blood appearances. Not something I like to mention. I mean, I never liked anything about it, so yeah…

On June 11, 2017 I’ve noticed my voice dropping even more. Singing along to H.I.M. was a breeze! I’ve also noticed more hair on my face. Darker hair. Overall, I was in a great mood. Even if I got misgendered once, which always makes me wonder why. Is it the fat rolls? The chest? Both?

On June 13, 2017 I woke up with a nasty headache. I decided to go to the nearby clinic to get some medicine for that. But I didn’t expect the doctor to ask about the period. I ended up lying, since I was not prepared to explain why it’s been gone for like four months already. However, it got me wondering if my weird heat problems at night might be related to that. Most likely. I remember reading something about it. I guess, I should ask around, or simply research it again.

I was staring into the mirror and not only did I notice the hair on my face, but it also seems there’s more hair inside my nose? Unless I’m dreaming. Quite likely though. It’s just one of those places I didn’t even think of in terms of hair growth. However, that is not a big surprise.

On June 15, 2017 I had a closer look at my mustache. And I realized it has grown quite a bit. In general, the hair growth on my face seems to be escalating more and more. It’s exciting!

On June 16, 2017 someone at work said I wasn’t a girl. Yet ironically they are still using female pronouns. Oh well. It’s still a victory for me. I keep telling myself I should explain to people why it’s wrong, but I never get to it. One day I’ll be able to. One day I’ll turn left on my way to the bathroom.

Overall, this week was pretty fine. I’ve been getting more involved with the local LGBTQ+ community, which is helping me feel better emotionally. I am enjoying every change I notice, and I am feeling optimistic about my future.

#JourneyToMyself

June 9, 2017

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On June 3, 2017 I had a great time mingling with people from the LGBTQ+ community as well as their partners and allies. It felt good to be out and about among people who understand what’s up. We all agreed we should do more gatherings like these. I hope I can find the time to be more involved with the community. I guess, it’s a matter of making time. Even though my current job leaves little time for freedom.

On June 5, 2017 I’ve noticed some more voice fluctuations. Which has been happening a lot lately anyways. Meanwhile, one of my coworkers refers to me using male pronouns, even if he does trip sometimes. I started wondering if others wonder why he is doing that. But nobody asked yet. At least, they didn’t ask me.

On June 9, 2017 nothing significant happened. Other than some stressful stuff at work. I’ve been out of it. Wondering what to do with my life and my future. I’m just really really tired of certain things, emotionally and physically. Feeling somewhat trapped. Anxious. I have trouble sleeping lately, or if I sleep, then I want to sleep and sleep and sleep… I hope I can get out of this situation and make my life enjoyable again soon.

It’s a difficult time that has little to do with my transition itself, but I will get through it eventually. And perhaps then I will elaborate on this more. It’s that time where I need a break, and it’s quite difficult to relax.

Perhaps what I need is to get out somewhere, and enjoy the moment.

#JourneyToMyself

June 2, 2017

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On May 27, 2017 my right thigh was sore. But that’s normal after a testosterone (T) injection. I also had to be in public that day. I used the male bathroom with no issues. However, I got misgendered at a restaurant. Whenever that happens, I just wonder what part of me looks feminine. Is it the chest? Since I am a chubby person and my binder can’t hide it all. I can’t think of anything else.

On May 28, 2017 I got misgendered again. My voice is already different and what not. Maybe I should try harder to lose weight. Or maybe there is another outrageous reason why people assume I’m a female that I don’t know of.

On May 29, 2017 I noticed veins popping out on my feet too. Not just hands. But the veins aren’t always there yet. Sometimes they disappear, and then they appear again. Either way, I enjoy their presence. A lot. Meanwhile, body hair continues its way into the outside world.

I am not entirely sure about my voice though. Sometimes it can be really low, and sometimes it appears to be a bit higher. However, the highlight of my night was me being able to sing a song by H.I.M.! How cool is that? I find more and more joy in singing like never before in my life.

On May 30, 2017 I started wondering what I should do with my facial fuzz. But after a bit of research, I decided I should leave it as it is. It’s not the time to start shaving yet. And I would prefer to see what I would look like with a full-on beard. The damn misgendering would definitely be done and over with too. But who knows when, and if, I will see a beard on my face.

On May 31, 2017 I noticed that my leg muscles felt harder. It was random. I mean, I wasn’t trying to find that out. It just happened. My voice also seemed lower than usual. And I had tiny tiny pimples appearing on my face, but that’s about it.

On June 2, 2017 I noticed a weird little bump on my thigh. I think it was where I injected T last week. Unless it’s some weird pimple thing. But it wasn’t painful or anything. I mean, I realized that while I may not have pimples attacking my face a lot, there are pimples popping up on the rest of my body. Most seem to be related to hair growth. Which is why I am not entirely sure if the bump is related to that, or my injection. I am also going to jump ahead and say the bump disappeared the next day.

This week has been more eventful than usual. I just hope things keep getting better. May I gain more and more confidence each day. And may all my desires manifest as I keep working towards my goals.

#JourneyToMyself

May 26, 2017

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On May 20, 2017 I’ve noticed hair growing in places I’ve never expected it to grow. I mean, inner side of an elbow? The inner sides of my arms have been so naked that I thought they would never have hair. I was in for a surprise, huh.

On May 25, 2017 there were some not very fun moments at work. Whenever someone new joins our company, they go around with a list of names to collect signatures and meet people. It’s not a bad idea, right? But not when my legal name is on it + biological gender (sex). I always tell them to call me by my preferred name, and I even write it down next to my birth name.

Technically, it’s not a big deal. I just wish the list was different, or included preferred names too. Why even include the sex? I don’t even know. I just really dread those moments when people come with that list. Most people don’t understand why things like these are a big deal to me when I mention that it bugs me. But on the bright side, it teaches me to feel more confident and assert myself as… myself.

On May 26, 2017 it was time for my testosterone (T) shot. Time sure flies! It’s been four weeks since my last shot. I was wondering if I’ve been calculating all this correctly. I realized I never really asked if once a month meant every four weeks. But then I remembered that when I last saw my doctor, I asked when I should take my next T shot, if it’s been two weeks. They said to do it in another two weeks. That means I am doing it right. Anyway, my T shot routine went well. I kind of enjoy it and take my time doing it. It wasn’t painful, and there was a bit of blood.

I was also wondering how to deal with that female to male bathroom transition at work. And then it occurred to me – why not use the public group chat we have for our department at work? I could explain everything to everyone at once, and tell them to use the right pronouns while at it. That way I can avoid explaining it to every person I would bump into in the bathroom. Some people will probably still wonder what the hell is going on, and might ask me questions. But yeah… I am changing. I need to just put it out there. This is what’s happening. Please respect me. Thank you.

I did not decide when I will do this announcement yet. I am still building up my courage. I will do it whenever I feel I am ready. It’s just a bit funny that I didn’t think of this before and was twisting my head thinking of how to deal with this.

#JourneyToMyself

May 19, 2017

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On May 14, 2017 my skin was clear again. Any pimples that were invading my face disappeared. I also was getting hungry quickly.

On May 18, 2017 my voice sounded lower again. It’s a strange fluctuation that often depends on social situations too. I do hope my voice will soon settle to a point where it does not sound higher than I would like it to sound whenever I talk. No matter the speed, or the situation I am in.

I got myself a new shampoo. A brand specifically for men. It wasn’t the first time I was using it, but this time it felt different. It gave me a strange satisfaction. It made me feel fresh, attractive, and more manly. I do love nice smelling stuff, so I gladly use whatever smells good, which are often products for women. Or at least many are advertised as such. I am no expert, but they tend to make the skin and hair soft, and smell nice of course.

Anyway, I decided I should buy more products designed for men and see how they make me feel, and if they will give me the same sensation as that shampoo. I want to explore my masculine side more and be less afraid to get rough.

I was also randomly feeling up my arms after a shower. And under all those layers of skin and flab, I could feel hard muscles. It got me excited. But I need to seriously exercise in order for those to show under all that fluff.

On May 19, 2017 nothing else new or special happened, other than feeling awkward while I enter or leave the bathroom. I am still going to the female bathroom at work and it feels shameful. But then I will also face a lot of awkwardness when I go to the male bathroom. I need to address this soon, I guess. It bothers me. I need to make a choice and own it. Use the bathroom I want to use and explain to people why, or keep walking to the female bathroom in shame.

On a brighter note, there’s one person at work who has started using male pronouns without being asked to do so. I appreciate it very much. I want and plan to thank them, and tell them how very grateful I am for that. It’s just truly awesome when people grasp it without me having to explain to them that they should start using male pronouns.

It’s so much easier when people understand.

#JourneyToMyself