October 13, 2017

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On October 10, 2017 I had someone refer to me as ‘he’. I never told them anything, so  that made me wonder if someone else did. Either way, it’s cool. But later I also had two people going back and forth with ‘he’ and ‘she’. One of them hasn’t known me for very long so they probably already assumed I’m a guy to begin with, and the other still thinks I’m a girl since they have known me before I started testosterone (T). Fun. And Awkward.

Later I encountered a bunch of dudes in an elevator. One of them gave me this… look. I don’t know how to explain it. That’s how normally they look at girls though. And he greeted me, so I was polite and responded. That’s when he kind of lost all interest. It’s funny. I think it’s the voice.

On October 11, 2017 I found out that more people know about me at work. And I don’t remember ever telling them. Unless I forgot. But that’s unlikely. I think someone else told them. Either way, it’s cool. They’re all cool with it. And they even try to get the pronouns right. It’s awesome. Unlike some people who seem to completely disregard my whole journey and don’t even try.

Also a certain someone who already assumed I’m a guy, I think, saw me leave the female bathroom at work. Such a bad timing. I feel awkward going there to begin with, but going to the male bathroom is also going to be awkward since not everyone knows what’s going on. Growing a mustache and having a deep voice isn’t enough for people to grasp it. I mean, I get it. Some people really don’t know about these things. I just wonder if I will stay there long enough to have to finally address this bathroom issue.

Outside of work, actually no. Outside of the office itself, I always go to the male bathroom. But even then I still feel really self-conscious. Just in case someone thinks I don’t belong there. Some people still read me as female. What the hell? Maybe it’s the chest and the fatrolls. I hope my new binder will do a good job! Still waiting for it to arrive, all the way from the US.

On October 13, 2017 it was 9 months on T. I went to see my doctor and get my blood test done. I was greeted with a Miss. But afterwards most people referred to me as Sir, despite seeing my legal name and, most likely, the sex on file. It also took me a while to grasp I was being called when someone called me by my legal first name. I guess, it just doesn’t feel like me at all anymore. Plus I am always called by my nickname or my chosen name everywhere else, even at work.

My blood test results turned out great. My doctor was pretty impressed by my voice changes too. I have also been keeping my skin clear of acne, which is good. Apparently, it can be a problem to the point it’s not… healthy? Either way, my next appointment is in another 6 months only. My body is really doing good with T, so I don’t need anything else. I was given T for those 6 months and went on my merry way!

Last week, I thought there might not be much to say anymore on a weekly basis, but look at this post! I guess, at times there will be more things to talk about. Physically, however, there’s not a lot happening lately. I mean, no new spectacular changes are happening. Of course, there will be more changes still. It hasn’t even been a year yet and some things happen way later. I guess, my beard will come later too. I have hair growing on my face. Almost all over it including my neck. But it’s still mostly light and soft.

Overall, I feel great. I never regretted taking T. It’s awesome. I feel more like myself each day. And my body just feels like this is what it’s been waiting for. The extra juice to finally be what it was meant to be.

#JourneyToMyself

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October 6, 2017

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On October 4, 2017 I was called a Sir in front of people who don’t know I’m transgender. Unless they do, but it wasn’t me who told them. It was awesome. I was just very aware of the people with me. But nobody said a thing. Nobody seemed any different or asked anything at all. No reaction. They just kept doing whatever they were doing. Nobody really asks me anything actually, but I guess that’s cool for me. I don’t have to answer questions.

On October 6, 2017 I started wondering where this blog will go. As more time passes by, there are less and less things to monitor and write about. I mean, in terms of physical changes. Of course, this is not the end of the blog. I am just thinking of making different kind of entries. Eventually. Plus, this is meant to be much more than just my transition. It’s just that now it happens to be more about that.

Next week I am seeing my doctor for my blood test and a new prescription for testosterone (T). It’s been 6 months since my last visit. I feel alright, so probably the test will be alright too. And it will be exactly 9 months on T.

The year is also coming to an end pretty soon. Time flies.

#JourneyToMyself

September 29, 2017

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On September 24, 2017 I noticed that my voice sounded significantly lower. Again. And it felt absolutely amazing! I could feel the voice vibrating through my throat. It’s also amazing how it is still dropping, and how I keep going back and forth with wanting for it to drop even more and feeling that it’s finally enough. I guess all I need is more confidence in my voice, because it is definitely different and no longer feminine. At all.

On September 26, 2017 my voice continued to stay on the new lower level. My regular speaking voice seems to have changed more too. By that I mean my voice when I am talking to people. I somehow always sound a tad different if I am just talking to myself, compared to when I talk to others.

I also noticed how the way I laugh sometimes, or more like burst into laughter, sounds a lot like my father. Overall, I think my laughter is kind of weird. It still often goes way up. I don’t even know how to explain. But it has gotten better. Maybe I am just too self-conscious about it.

On September 29, 2017 I was misgendered. After a successful streak of no misgendering, this still happened. Damn it! And this happened at the store. Like… whatever. A while before that, I went to the bathroom. Which I was hoping would be totally empty at that hour, but I just ran into someone literally when I opened the door and they greeted me. No misgendering or questioning looks happened though. So yeah… most of the time I am seen as a male. But there still must be something that makes some people think otherwise. As much as I am writing about this, I am truly not too bothered.

I have been figuring out what size binder from gc2b I should buy. I sent them a message with my detailed measurements. I stood in front of the mirror with the measuring tape for a while trying to do it as accurately as possible. And now I am waiting for them to advise me on what size I should order. I hope that it will fit me well and make my chest look flatter, and I won’t have all that weird stuff on my chest that appears when wearing my current binders. That way maybe no more misgendering will happen and I can feel more confident.

#JourneyToMyself

September 22, 2017

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On September 16, 2017 I experienced only a very minor soreness in my left thigh. I don’t know what this depends on. Sometimes after a testosterone (T) shot I feel pain in my muscle for up to a few days, and sometimes it’s so minor that it feels like I never even had a T shot. Except for the visible tiny hole. And in some cases I had a bruise. All cool though.

On September 17, 2017 I found some super exciting information on gender change! I have previously researched the possibility of changing my name in my country and I found a court case where a trans man was able to have his name changed. I found a similar case reported on a news website just this year in terms of gender marker change. That got me really excited. I hope that by the time I can do this (hopefully within the next 4 years) they won’t introduce any new stupid laws that would hinder me from changing my name and my gender.

On September 18, 2017 I thought it would be a good idea to use the last… metal thingies… on my binder. I really don’t know what those are called… is it clips? Whatever. Anyway, I thought it would help my chest look more flat. It didn’t feel too tight. All cool. But for some reason it seemed like my chest was less flat instead. It made me feel uncomfortable and very self-conscious the whole day. I have two binders that are exactly the same, which I wear all the time and change between them when the other needs a wash.

My binders are kinda old by now and it’s time to look for a new one, or two. But no matter what kind of binders I had, they always have this stupid bulge at the top and it’s still looking round. It’s not flat. It’s annoying. I really wish I could just go get that damn top surgery already.

I can go buy binders locally, try them on even. There’s a store. But I discovered gc2b and it seems like it would do a great job keeping my chest flat. However, it’s all the way in the US, so I have to be very careful and pick the right size. And it will also cost me like four times more in local currency. But if it works, I want one. I can still manage to afford it and not die of hunger. There’s no way of knowing that it will work for me though. I guess, it’s a risk I’ll have to take.

On September 19, 2017 I woke up with my voice sounding lower. Yet again. How many times has this happened already? Or maybe it’s just the morning voice kind of thing? No more significant changes seem to be happening though. I mean, it’s been a while already. It could be coming to an end. The voice change. But my normal speaking with/to humans voice (lol) still seems like it’s rolling down slowly. And I haven’t been singing lately. Not in the mood for some reason. Plus I’ve been sick. And just generally tired.

On September 22, 2017 I realized my appetite might be coming back. It’s been about a month or more since I had any proper wish to eat food. I still ate, but I wasn’t feeling that super hungry. And there’s this odd craving for chicken. Not just the hunger for food, but chicken. Almost like a predatory craving for meat. And not only meat.

I realized that being on T kind of throws me more into the primal state. Weird urges to kiss people and what-not. I don’t act on them, of course. Like… it’s not cool to just randomly go around smooching people (though not just any people). Unless they’re up for it. My point is… I just often feel more like a predator than ever before in my life. It’s a bit strange, but at the same time I feel that this is what or who I was always meant to be.

I also feel like I meant to be handsome, fit and ripped. But we don’t always get what we want, do we? I just can’t seem to get a grip of my motivation to start and stick to a workout routine. But I won’t lose anything if I keep trying… even if I keep failing. Maybe eventually I’ll succeed???

That’s the spirit.

#JourneyToMyself

September 15, 2017

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On September 11, 2017 I was sick. My throat got infected again. It’s like the 3rd time in a year. It makes me wonder if it’s related to my voice change and taking testosterone (T). Or it’s just because I work where I work and have been getting sick more often than ever before in my life ever since I’ve started this job. I mean, I was starting to get sick more often even before I started taking T. Throat infections were unheard of prior to this job. So, perhaps, this isn’t the fault of the T. However, it’s also possible that my throat is more vulnerable due to the changes happening. Maybe that’s a question my doctor can answer during my next appointment.

On September 13, 2017 it was officially 8 months since I started T. The number 13 never bore any significance in my life before, and due to silly superstitions I saw it more as a bad number before. But now, now it has a good meaning for me.

I had to show my ID for something, which has my legal name on it. But to my surprise I was still referred to as Mr. It’s also a bit funny, because my legal name has no male equivalent and is obviously a ‘female only’ name. For certain cultures that is. More in the West, I suppose. Here, people followed what they saw, and I look male to them. Which is awesome, of course.

I am seen as male more and more often, and those who didn’t know me prior to starting T, usually don’t question my gender. But even someone who knows me since before T, has gendered me correctly today. I kept my poker face on, as usual. But I was so happy inside.

On September 14, 2017 my lucky streak continued. I was gendered correctly when I was buying a drink. Success!

Later that day, before bed, I decided to sniff my t-shirt. If anyone thinks that is weird, so be it. But that’s not the point. My discovery upon sniffing it was groundbreaking! (lol) It was a worn t-shirt, not freshly washed or anything. And the scent was different than before. It wasn’t bad actually, but my point is… it smelled manly. If you know what I mean. Basically, this is how men smell. To my knowledge, at least. I did not notice any change in my body odor prior to this, so this is pretty much a validation that this change happened too. And it’s one of those things that happen to everyone who’s on T.

On September 15, 2017 it was time for my T shot. It was my last shot before going to see the doctor for blood tests and a new prescription next month. As usual, I was looking forward to.. juicing up. I mean, some people call it man juice or boy juice, or whatever.

I’ve also been thinking of a name change and top surgery. But the surgery is quite pricy, and I simply do not have the money for it right now. Saving up for it will take years, unless I earn more money. So it’s just a question of money and how fast I can get enough of it to proceed with my surgery. I hope I can manage to do this sooner than later.

However, a name change is actually way more achievable, I believe. I found information where another trans man managed to change his name in my home country. Hopefully, within the next 4-5 years I’ll change my name too. I will need to renew my passport eventually, so I might as well request a name change too. It would be ideal, if I could also change the gender marker. But that will most likely be denied, because I don’t even plan to have bottom surgery. Not until there’s a surgery that would satisfy my expectations and needs. And I can afford it.

For now, my next step is securing more income, and securing my future.

Being where I want to be.

#JourneyToMyself

September 8, 2017

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On September 2, 2017 I noticed a change in my voice. Yet again. But then it doesn’t seem to be setting in. Unless I myself can’t tell the difference anymore.

On September 5, 2017 I had a major cringe moment. There is this one very very, and I mean, very friendly and kind of loud person who keeps calling me ‘sister’. Instead of just saying “Hi.”, they go like “Hi, sister!”. In public. In front of everyone. It’s so awful. Everyone was looking. I always hope I won’t run into them, but they are there every day. The only consolation is that this won’t last forever.

On September 6, 2017 I experienced an unusual feeling of bliss. I was referred to as a ‘he’ in a work e-mail. I have never experienced such strange bliss. It felt really good. I didn’t expect this to occur. I also didn’t expect to feel this way. It was a whole other level of bliss.

On September 8, 2017 I was referred to as Sir on several occasions. Of course, that was awesome. This is becoming a more common occurrence.

#JourneyToMyself

September 1, 2017

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On August 26, 2017 my throat felt sore. So yeah, it continues. My voice keeps changing. And it’s been almost 8 months since I started testosterone (T).

On August 27, 2017 there were more voice changes. I am really glad about this, but my laugh still needs some work. It sounds really… weird. But some other sounds or vocal expressions have become manlier, which is nice.

On August 28, 2017 something funny happened. During lunch we needed an extra table, so I went to get one. I picked up the table and lifted it over my head. Some people went like… whoa! The table didn’t feel heavy to me at all, which makes me wonder if this is also an effect from T. But I have always been strong, so I am not quite sure. It’s very possible though that this is what’s happening. I have not been working out or lifting stuff in general, which is why it’s difficult to say.

Maybe I should start lifting random stuff to test this theory out. But then… then I’ve got nothing to compare it with. I guess, some stuff is indeed easier to carry. This is something I did not think of measuring or monitoring, it somehow just flew over my head… just like that table.

I was also referred to using male pronouns in front of people who don’t know about me being transgender. Nobody said anything, but I was wondering what they were thinking.

On August 31, 2017 I was referred to as Sir. It was really nice. I was picking up my order at a store and the cashier said “Thank you, Sir.” I must admit this still needs some getting used to, but it’s great.

On September 1, 2017 I noticed a few more hairs on my face. A black hair is growing further up my cheek. Most facial hair is still soft and light, but there is definitely more of it. My mustache is pretty prominent, so I’m wondering how could anyone not notice it. They probably do but don’t say anything. At least, not when I am around.

I have considered buying a razor and trying to shave. It’s something I need to learn still. But at the same time, I also want to let my facial hair grow. It’s something I did not care about before, but now I really want a beard. However, I will have to be patient with this one it seems.

Some acne has popped up, but not many. I am now certain it’s the tea tree oil products. They keep it under control. I skipped applying these products on my face a couple of times. Instead of using it twice a day, I used it once. I wonder if using it three times a day would have an even better effect. I am really glad I found these products though, otherwise I’d probably be invaded by acne.

#JourneyToMyself