While browsing through my Facebook I’ve noticed a few people whom I used to hang out with a lot, and celebrate birthdays back in the old days. More or less, we were friends. But then we moved onto living our own lives. And that’s okay. What hit me is that… I am living in a whole other continent now. I essentially feel like I’m in a whole different world.
To connect is easier than ever. But despite all the social media, messengers, mobile apps, etc., I hardly talk to anyone who’s not anywhere nearby offline. And that is actually okay too. I don’t really have the need to be connected to everyone all the time, and especially talk all the time.
What got me thinking were all those pictures of places and people, all of which were part of my world less than four years ago. And then I started thinking of how I’ve changed, and how I am still changing, and going to change. Also that I felt the need to hide from certain people. As if being me is shameful. That gave a heavy feeling of being disconnected. And that’s it. This is the real problem. Almost the same thing that I feel with my family, just it doesn’t upset me.
I keep thinking how hiding my trans status could be easier, but in some cases it’s simply impossible without cutting off certain people from my life completely. And that’s actually not fair. For them, and me too. The more time goes by, the more I realize that going stealth might never be for me. Because I feel like I am denying a part of myself, and it only makes me sad, disconnected, and quite paranoid. I don’t feel the need to announce that I am trans everywhere I go, but I most definitely don’t wish to go around hiding like a criminal from people in my current, previous, or future life.
Perhaps this year I will decide whether I am ready to put a face on this blog, or not. Either way, I will do it whenever I am truly ready, and have dealt with any messes I encounter. Including my own feelings. After all, my goal is to always evolve, become better, and overcome my fears.