On The Path To Masculinity


Previously, in one of my weekly journal posts, I mentioned how shaving legs and such is a part of being a woman. And it’s something I had been doing whenever I had to wear shorts, or go swimming. Even after I discovered I was transgender, I still continued doing that for a while due to shame. I was afraid people will judge me. In their eyes I was a girl, a woman.

I must also mention that I felt that I had no right to be… dominant? That I couldn’t be. Mostly in terms of relationships. Just because I wasn’t born as a man. I ended up suppressing a big part of who I truly am. Now being dominant is not exclusive to men. No way. But it is viewed as such.

I was reading this article and what got me wasn’t the article itself. I mean, the article is showing how men and women are portrayed in society, and how differently they are treated. All based on their appearance as one, or the other. That’s the naked truth about the society and gender roles. But what truly got me here are the comments below the article. Quite a number of people completely missed, or perhaps ignored, this vital point and perceived it as seeking for special treatment. It has nothing to do with wanting special treatment, or being transgender. Nothing at all. And if people think it has nothing to do with them just because they’re not transgender, they’re also highly mistaken. It touches every one of us.

It’s like a mirror allowing us to see into ourselves and our mindsets. It’s a fact that men and women are a long way from being equal, even in the most modern societies.

I must admit that there still are things I myself subconsciously consider manly, or girly. It’s just ingrained in me quite deeply. So I didn’t just automatically become all-understanding overnight. And I can never say I understand everything. I honestly have no understanding of people who feel like both genders, or neither, or something else. Because I feel I am a man, and that’s it for me.

This article I was reading expressed what it means being non-binary very well. I have no trouble understanding it, or understanding what the person is trying to say. But I cannot say I can understand how they feel exactly. I have my own understanding of what is expressed about the existence of other genders and their feelings, and I might be wrong. That is why I leave this to explain to those who know what it truly feels like. All I can do is repeat their words.

I am grateful that I am capable of learning things. Realizing things. Finding out that I can like whatever I want and still be a man regardless. Finding out that I can be in a female body and still be a man. Many just didn’t have the opportunity to learn that things can be different. That things ARE different.

I still have a long way to go before I let my true self out to play. By now I know that there is a very confident and powerful person inside me who has been stuck unable to come out for a very long time. But I am slowly allowing myself to be myself. It can be tricky in some cases, because not everyone might like me. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter (I do like Linkin Park).

Along the way to trying become myself, changing my body, my mind changed too. And it changes constantly. I am always learning. I am quite opinionated and I can be stubborn, but I learned to open myself up more to learning new things. Also moving to a place where diversity is immense has helped me tremendously.

Believe me, the world seems so much smaller and so much more… I don’t even know what to call it. Monotone? Limited? When you’re no longer just in one place. And when you go out there… travel… meet people from different corners of the world…

You learn how much more amazing our planet is and that people aren’t all that bad, or closed-minded.

However, I still have to lose some stereotypes in my mind. It can be difficult, so I can understand others who are having a hard time too. As long as they are willing to learn, it’s okay.

I consider transition as a whole more than just the physical part. Transition for me began ever since I realized I was transgender. It contains the changes of my mind, body and soul. And it never ends. A lot of things are not even related to gender identity itself. It’s just what I learn and how I evolve as a person.

On my path to masculinity, so far I have learned that the key is to be yourself. And how masculine or feminine you are, it doesn’t matter. Being yourself is awesome. Whatever you like. Whatever your preferences are. There is no shame in that.

Write your own rules to your life.



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