As If Time Stood Still…


It’s strange. Coming home.

Maybe it’s the cold. Or the naked trees. That sort of grey of the winter. But it all looks so depressing, and no different than it was a few years ago. The melancholy is overwhelming. It feels as if the time stood still… And then I traveled back in time.

I haven’t been home for more than three years. I left my country in search of a better life. I wanted to pursue my dreams. I wanted to see what it’s like somewhere else. I wanted to change myself. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be happy.

I was looking forward to seeing some snow. I haven’t seen snow ever since I left. But for some reason I don’t feel any excitement about it. It’s just there. It’s white. It’s cold.

I feel so strange. It’s as if I am experiencing culture shock. And I feel more alien here than I’ve ever felt before. I never felt so alien anywhere else. Not even when I moved to a whole other continent.

This is my home. The lands I come from. The place I grew up in and lived my whole life prior to moving. Yet it doesn’t feel like home. Not anymore. I just feel really weird being here. It’s like, this is someone else’s home. The home of that person who left a few years ago.

I silently observe everything around me. And my family too. They don’t seem any different. Which is kind of sad. But maybe I’ve changed too much. I am really very different and I don’t think they have come to terms with that yet. I’m not the person I was. I’m more myself than I ever was before.

Something has died. I don’t know what or where. Maybe something within me. A part of me feels really hollow. It’s a feeling I am not too familiar with. And it also feels like I am under a double layer of… something. It’s difficult to explain. I don’t know what to do with it. Maybe time will show and help me through this.

It struck me what a great life I have built for myself. How grateful I should be for it. And that I should try even harder, and work on any pending dreams. I should always do my best and enjoy every moment.

My happiness is in my hands.



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