It’s strange. Coming home.
Maybe it’s the cold. Or the naked trees. That sort of grey of the winter. But it all looks so depressing, and no different than it was a few years ago. The melancholy is overwhelming. It feels as if the time stood still… And then I traveled back in time.
I haven’t been home for more than three years. I left my country in search of a better life. I wanted to pursue my dreams. I wanted to see what it’s like somewhere else. I wanted to change myself. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be happy.
I was looking forward to seeing some snow. I haven’t seen snow ever since I left. But for some reason I don’t feel any excitement about it. It’s just there. It’s white. It’s cold.
I feel so strange. It’s as if I am experiencing culture shock. And I feel more alien here than I’ve ever felt before. I never felt so alien anywhere else. Not even when I moved to a whole other continent.
This is my home. The lands I come from. The place I grew up in and lived my whole life prior to moving. Yet it doesn’t feel like home. Not anymore. I just feel really weird being here. It’s like, this is someone else’s home. The home of that person who left a few years ago.
I silently observe everything around me. And my family too. They don’t seem any different. Which is kind of sad. But maybe I’ve changed too much. I am really very different and I don’t think they have come to terms with that yet. I’m not the person I was. I’m more myself than I ever was before.
Something has died. I don’t know what or where. Maybe something within me. A part of me feels really hollow. It’s a feeling I am not too familiar with. And it also feels like I am under a double layer of… something. It’s difficult to explain. I don’t know what to do with it. Maybe time will show and help me through this.
It struck me what a great life I have built for myself. How grateful I should be for it. And that I should try even harder, and work on any pending dreams. I should always do my best and enjoy every moment.
My happiness is in my hands.